As the face of Flatpoint High's freshman class, **Jerri Blank** (masterfully brought to life by Amy Sedaris) dispensed some of the most morally catastrophic advice in American television history. Every episode of Strangers with Candy culminated in a deadpan moral recap that systematically extracted the worst possible conclusion from human experience.

Below, we have compiled the 25 definitive Jerri Blank quotes, categorized by life lesson.

On Academic Ambition & School Life

  1. “I cried when I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. And then I laughed, really hard.”
  2. “Is that an Indian on the butter? Because that’s what I want to be: a butter Indian.”
  3. “I like the pole and the pole likes me of course, but I’m an artist, Mr. Noblet. I work with clay and macaroni.”
  4. “My mother always said, ‘Jerri, if you don’t have anything nice to say about someone, make something up!’”
  5. “I’m going to take this test, and I’m going to pass this test, even if I have to sleep with every teacher in this school. Including the dead ones.”

On Friendship & Social Grace

  1. “I’ve got something to say! It’s better to be looked over than overlooked… or is it the other way around?”
  2. “I’m not a virgin! I’ve been deflowered, de-stemmed, and potted!”
  3. “You can’t buy friendship, Drake. But you can rent it by the half-hour with a six-pack of malt liquor.”
  4. “I’m popular! People look at me and they whisper, and sometimes they point, and once a girl threw a shoe at me. That’s fame!”
  5. “Look at me, I’m as pretty as a picture. A picture of a horse with a hat on!”

On Romance & Dating

  1. “I know what boys want. They want pie, and they want someone to tell them their hair looks nice even when it smells like burnt cabbage.”
  2. “Love is like a turtle: slow, wrinkly, and if you leave it in the sun too long, it dies.”
  3. “You can’t rush into a relationship. First you have to find out if they have an active warrant in Cook County.”
  4. “I was in love once. He was a drifter with a wooden leg and a heart of tin. He stole my car, but he left the radio, so we called it even.”
  5. “Romance is easy. It’s the parole hearing that’s hard.”

The Legendary End-of-Episode Moral Recaps

  1. “So I learned that if you want people to respect your heritage, you should dress up in costume and demand free concessions at the state fair.”
  2. “I realized today that lying is wrong, unless you’re very good at it, in which case it’s called politics.”
  3. “In conclusion, drugs are bad, but being unpopular is worse. So always do drugs with popular kids.”
  4. “I learned that beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes straight through to the bone marrow.”
  5. “If at first you don’t succeed, blame a minority and ask for an extension.”

Existential Philosophy & Survival

  1. “I spent thirty-two years on the street. I know how to make a salad out of grass clippings and a bottle of gin.”
  2. “Never judge a book by its cover. Unless it’s an atlas, in which case the cover is usually pretty accurate.”
  3. “My daddy always said, ‘Jerri, don’t look at me, look at the wall.’ And you know what? That wall taught me how to read.”
  4. “Life is a box of chocolates. And if you don’t eat them fast enough, somebody bigger is going to punch you in the jaw and take them.”
  5. “I’m home, daddy. I’m home, and I’m clean. Well, I’m home.”

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